Let's Talk About Sex!

Tags: hiv condom
Maybe you've met someone at your local club and you're finding him or her pretty interesting. He or she's giving you signals that their interested in you, too. The way they touched your arm got your attention. He/she smiled the sort of smile you recognize as more than just friendly. The touching has become a bit more intimate now, and he/she wants to know if you would like to come over to his/her place.

You are definitely interested, but you've decided that getting it on right after meeting isn't something that works for you if you are really interested in the guy/gal. This is one of those times when avoiding the topic is likely to put you in an awkward position pretty quickly. If you want to go home with him/her knowing that sex is likely to happen, great.

If that's not what you want, better talk about it now. You might want to exchange phone numbers and make plans for later in the week. Don't let yourself be pressured into something you don't want or aren't ready for, whatever the reason. Or you've decided that you really are turned on by this guy/gal and you want to get physical with him/her. Does it matter to you what your partner's HIV status is, or is it important for you to tell him/her yours? Some men find they can't relax with someone if they don't exchange this information. Better to talk about it sooner rather than later.

If you are positive, for instance, and this guy/gal is going to react negatively to that information, it will be a lot easier to find that out well ahead of actually getting naked. If you are negative and you want to find out about status before having sex, initiate the conversation early after finding out that the interest is there.

If you know that you would be uncomfortable making love with a positive guy or gal, do both of you a favor and have the guts to talk about it with him/her. You have a right to make that decision, of course. But if you ask a question, you should be prepared to hear an answer, including one that was not the one you hoped to hear. Take responsibility for your decision and communicate it in an assertive, respectful way ("I appreciate you telling me, but I have found I can't relax around positive men.")

For many men, HIV status is less an issue than knowing that the two of you are in sync about what you've decided is safe and what is just too risky. Try keeping the conversation relatively light and -- once again -- talk about it early on. Waiting until you are naked puts you in an awkward position (literally!) to receive the news that this guy/gal won't use a condom.

If you've got concerns about how healthy it is to enjoy a particular activity with someone you've just met, tell him you'd like to wait for now. If you have decided that you really need a condom to enjoy something else, tell him/her with a smile and make it easy for him/her to agree with you. And remember: you've got the perfect right to decide what works for you; don't let yourself be pressured.

John R. Ballew, M.S., is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality and relationships, spirituality and career. He can be reached via the web at www.bodymindsoul.org