Tribal sex

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It’s well past midnight now and Richard drives off and heads downtown to his loft with William. The bass beat still makes his head pound – but that’s not the only part of him throbbing. The connection he felt on the dance floor echoes within him as he and William undress one another and explore each other’s bodies.

Not all sex happens within a relationship. While many men equate sex with love and intimacy, many other men do not. Men who make a distinction between sex and romantic love are looking for something else. For some it is simple pleasure or erotic relief. For others there is another quality to this part of their erotic selves – a sense of connection to an erotic tribe of gay men.

Tribes have certain rituals; members have ways of acknowledging one another. Some tribes are homogeneous, with everyone looking and behaving pretty much alike; other tribes make room for all sorts of members, so long as they go along with the rituals and rules. Gay and bi tribes come in both flavors.

Miles away in Chicago, Mark is headed to a sex club he visits when he is in town. Once there he undresses and joins the other towel clad men walking the hallways. Sometimes there’s a nod or a smile or an exchange of pleasantries; more often there is only a quick glance. The music and smell of the place is familiar and exhilarating. To Mark it smells like sex.

After making the rounds and checking out who’s here, Mark heads to a dimly lit room where a circle of ten men stand. All are naked. They are pleasuring themselves, standing shoulder to shoulder and urging one another on. Mark finds himself wondering why is this so exciting, when none of these men is really his type. Maybe it’s being together with other men who are shameless and feeling the same thing. He begins to surrender to the building excitement.

Separating love and sex isn’t always good for you, of course. Sex can become compulsive, and looking for one sex partner after another can be a way of avoiding the challenges of intimate relationships. Continually being on the hunt can mean never simply allowing yourself to enjoy feeling content. And cruising for sex can be a problem if it serves as a way of distracting yourself from other problems in life that you would be better off addressing.

It’s too simplistic, though, to make the judgment that all men who have sex in tribal/public settings are avoiding one-on-one intimacy.

Connecting raising erotic energy with the sense of tribal bonding men feel is a powerful experience – especially for those of us living in communities where we can feel isolated, or where we have outgrown our familial or cultural roots. This sense of connection isn’t something everyone encounters, but for those who do it can be an important experience.

Americans are optimists and have a long history of experimenting with utopian communities that haven’t worked out well. In the same way, it is important for men who connect with this tribal erotic energy to cultivate an ability to reflect on their experience. Take a look. Is connecting with the group a substitute for finding a deep relationship with one individual? Does the sense of tribal connection require everyone to act and look just the same, or are men of other races, looks, abilities and ages welcome? Is there an unhealthy pressure to conform? Will you be kicked out of this seeming paradise when you reach a certain age?

For men who are part of the erotic tribe, taking a look at safer sex practices is especially
important. Is any sex that takes place safer sex? Is there a place for self-disclosure, or would saying to someone “We need to use a condom, I have HIV” be seen as odd? Allowing your sense of tribal connection with others to become an excuse for avoiding taking care of yourself or others with whom you connect is just another way of being in denial.

Sexual self-expression in all its glory is something our gay male community has traditionally valued. Take time to stay conscious about your choices and the events in which you take part and celebrate your life.


John R. Ballew, M.S., is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality and relationships, spirituality and career. He can be reached via the web at www.bodymindsoul.org