Bad boys

You've heard and seen the old bumper sticker: "Good girls go to heaven; bad girls go everywhere!" Is it true? And what about good boys and bad boys?

Good boys are solid citizens: trustworthy, hard working, clean-cut. When you were young, they were the ones that your mother wanted you to act like. They washed their hands before dinner, always made their beds and got good grades in school. As adults, these attributes might translate into a being a guy with steady career, a bank account that's never overdrawn, and few bad habits.

Bad boys are often risk-takers and troublemakers. They enjoy stirring things up just to see what will happen: cutting class if it was too boring, skipping homework if there was something more fun to do, trying forbidden stuff like cigarettes or booze or sex. As adults they may still have that wild streak. Delaying gratification has never been their thing. If there's fun to be had, they are having it.

Bi or straight, many of us were raised to choose as mates the virtuous equivalent of the best little boy or girl in the world. At the same time, we secretly enjoyed the company of the fun seekers we knew we better not bring them around the house. Our parents classified our peers as good or bad and we learned to do the same. When it comes to who sexually attracts us, psychotherapists sometimes talk about this (among straight men) as the "Madonna/whore complex." Potential partners are seen as either saints or sluts. Saints aren't allowed to be sexy, either.

In relationships, this can lead us to seek out the good boys or girls for partners…then to lose erotic interest in them. Or we withhold the sexy bad boy parts of ourselves because we worry what our partner (s) would think of us.

People spend a fair amount of time trying to get in touch with their "inner child;" while they are at it, they might try to get in touch with their inner juvenile delinquent. One way to keep a relationship juicy is for each partner to let his bad boy out from time to time. A life of too much moderation and virtue can become hopelessly boring. (Too much "bad boy time" can lead to a life of turmoil, of course.) Relationships that become boring are rarely sexy.

What sorts of things let your bad boy out to play? Desires are different for each of us, of course, but there here are some clues: Bad boys are likely to be messier than good boys. They are likely to be less polite; in fact, they might be downright rude or pushy or arrogant. Bad boys sometimes like to show off or make a lot of noise.

There's a certain amount of risk involved in letting your bad boy out to play. When we express our desires, we open ourselves up and allow our partner to see another side of us. That can feel vulnerable. When we make ourselves vulnerable and we're treated with respect, good stuff happens. But if expressing our desire makes your partner feel anxious, he may respond in a way that leaves you feeling hurt. So check with your partner to make sure they are willing to go along for the ride. You're much more likely to have fun if your inner rascal isn't going to catch a lot of attitude because your partner's stuffy good boy is in charge.

John R. Ballew, M.S., is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality and relationships, spirituality and career. He can be reached via the web at www.bodymindsoul.org